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Jerrall-
Last night I must have had too much on my mind I could not get to sleep
until 2 am and was up at 6 am. I have not had a sleeping pill in over four
weeks.
Went to church this morning and had good day to night at one of the
church a member is having a cook out. I met the people at church thru
Debbie’s web site. It sure is a small world. Today has gone quick and not
as sad because I stayed busy with good people. I think because I took all
the pictures off the wall and lived with things boxed up for the last month
before Debbie died and I emptied out the den and put Debbie’s hospital
bed in the den so more people to work with Debbie. The last few days
Debbie was in the bed all the time. Then when I moved here 2 weeks ago
until yesterday will I got the house all together and every thing except
hanging the pictures. Well this was what caused the issue last night. With
all the mirrors up, columns, tumble marble wainscot finished now after 4
month of living with boxes the house looks like Debbie could walk in the
door at any time. Still I am not having dreams at night. I want to hold on
to my good memories so I am not ready to change the furnishings at this
time.
September 29, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I got 5 hours sleep and that seams to be the max with the
same dose of extra meds. But that is better than a week ago. Today I
saw the sun come up and met Max and Savona. We dumped all the
trucks and are ready for work on Monday. This afternoon we came to the
house and in four hours all of the columns are up and a linen closet built
and all the towels and wash clothes are put up. All of the rooms are done
except Krystal’s bedroom and hanging all the pictures up. Every one was
gone by 5:30 pm and I should be happy. I even called for some take out
but as of 9:30 pm I still am not hungry and it is in the ice box alone with
many others I could not eat. Both of the girls are away from there phone’s
which is a good sign there life goes on like it should. But to night after
everyone is gone the emptiness is back for the first time since I moved.
Everyone around me has a purpose but I do not seam to fit in any where.
Thru Debbie’s web site I have made some new friends around the world
and that is all that keeps me going. I hope to night goes by fast and
tomorrow I will go to church and surround my self with good people and it
will help. I miss Debbie so much which is the way it is suppose to be but
thing like why her not me keep coming to mind. I know Debbie is in no
more pain but some how it is not right I am here and she is gone. In time I
know I will find my way but this is the hardest year of my life so far. With
out my new e-mail friends there would be no one to talk to. They probably
have no idea the difference they have made in my life.
Both Amber and Krystal called me around 10 pm to check up on me. If I
did not have the girls what would I do? To night I listen to my IPod and the
last song Debbie heard before she died, that the memory is like
yesterday. I had for years put an ear plug in both of our ears to listen to
music. To night I heard Lee Ann Womack and the song was I Hope You
Can Dance that was the song I played for Debbie about and hour before
she pasted away. When Debbie died she had no pain on her face and
was really at peace. We had a hospice and a regular nurse and Debbie’s
family and Gerald and Helen was even at Debbie’s bed side. Still it is so
hard to believe you can love some one so much that you have to let them
go.
First hard night in a few weeks and I have been told that will still
happen for a long time. Long Day
September 28, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I got 6 hours of straight sleep the most in years. I had 3
meetings today that kept me busy all day. Then at 5:30 pm Krystal met
me and we went to dinner at a couple’s house from church. Krystal had a
glow to night that I have not seen before. We had a great home cooked
meal and talked until 10:30 pm. Krystal dropped me at my house and she
still had to drive to Rock Hill. Today was a good day the leaves were
falling from the trees with a bit of wind. The fell of fall is in the night air.
September 27, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I slept from11:30 pm until 4:30 am, on new meds, which is 5
hours of straight sleep. When I woke up I knew where I was and did not
go looking for Debbie. It seams unnatural to get by on so little sleep.
Today has been along one Amber had appointments for me all day until 7:
30 pm. I hate this hair cut I just hope it grows out fast. This afternoon
Krystal came to Charlotte to have her weekly meeting with Hospice. She
is trying to stay busy waiting on me to get off work so we can have dinner
to night.
September 26, 2007
Jerrall-
Today went by like I was floating in air, I stood up to fast and feel to my
knees. Last night was my first to take the new meds and they made my
pupils so big I could not see so I hade to lay on the bed with my eye
closed in the dark to keep my eyes from burning and pray I would go to
sleep soon. Last night I got 5 hours sleep got up did a little work. Krystal
has been after me to get a hair cut so I did today so I could surprise her
on Thursday. To my surprise the lady gave me a army cut and shave the
to of my head and then put some kind of head shine on top of that. I have
to wear a hat to keep from getting cancer. The lady said how did your
hair get like this, a lot of nicks. I told her about Debbie and how I had
been cutting it in the mirror for 4.5 years. About 3 pm I was so tired I laid
down for a power nap and slept until 7:30 pm which was good sleep but I
slept thru the church dinner. I see now it is going to take some time to
adjust amount and time to take the meds. I have to sleep at night and not
during the afternoon. I seam to be so tired all the time and that does not
help. I have made friends with a church and 2 others off Debbie’s website
that keep me going through e-mail. With Debbie here or not I still have no
one to talk to. I have often said the silence is the worst part of brain
injury.
September 25, 2007
Jerrall-
I woke up at 6 am giving me 2-2 hours sleep for the night. I was waiting
for the men to get here at 7 am so I could get the four stone columns up in
the living room today. But since the men came late we had to go on to
work may be next time.
September 21, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night was a long night still no meds for sleep. This has been the
second day my back has been out of place and I can not stand up straight
and my legs are burning. I have had this issue for years but Debbie kept
me healthy and in our four years together and only two times did my back
hurt. This morning I went to the Chiropractor and he was able to get my
back to move. He said to keep off of my feet lay on ice and the on heating
pad. With my legs above my head. I took several flexreal and I took three
power naps. Tonight my legs are still on fire and can not stand up
straight. When this happened 10 years ago Debbie said if I was not good
she would put my wheel chair in the corner. We never dreamed Debbie
would be the one in the wheelchair.
The most important thing that happened today was I called Amber and
asked if she would come and pick me up and take me to lunch. This is the
first time since 7/8/07 when Debbie pasts that we have done any thing like
a father and daughter.
September 20, 2007
Jerrall-
Another bad night my back is starting hurt and my knees and legs are on
fire. This morning I knew I was going to the doctor. Dr. Walters has
become a great friend over the past 15 years. He asked me about
Debbie and told me my whole life was with Debbie and what was I doing to
fill that large hole in my life. I take one day at a time and I have not got to
that point yet.
Krystal came over and helped me move the boat to the new yard I rented
for all of the company trucks. The move is over but I will have to be able
to stand to unpack all of the boxes. To night Krystal and I had dinner at
Olive Garden. I tried to stay off my feet the rest of the night.
The funniest thing that happened today was when I put Debbie’s air
mattress on top of my bed. I turned over in my sleep and fell 4 feet to the
floor.
September 19, 2007
Jerrall-
This morning when I woke up the bad feelings were gone. The first part
of the day I helped the men. The second part of the day I had two
meetings that went great.
September 18, 2007
Jerrall-
When I woke up this morning at 5:30 am with only 3 hours sleep I knew
today was going to be a bad day. Not from a dream more from a feeling I
had. Every where I went today some one would ask me how Debbie was
doing and that was not a good thing, it brought up a lot of memories. Also
yesterday I had to go to Krystal’s new town house and loaded the front of
my truck with three of Debbie’s favorite ceramic angles. Krystal had them
in her house because they were so special to her mom. But her room
mates did not like the so nice and formal even if it was Debbie’s things. I
got very up set even mad and took a lot more of Debbie’s thing and I will
hold them for Krystal until she moves. I did not unload them last night so I
had them all day with me which was not a good idea.
Today was not like the empty feeling as before as much as being alone
all the time. I can not eat by myself, No one home when I get there and
most of all no one to ask how there day went. Amber has not come to
town since I moved and on the phone I can tell she does not want to work
together any more and still hung up on me today two times when I said
some think that was not about work. It will take me a year to pay off all of
Ambers bills that she had while Debbie was alive. After that I do not know
if she will want to be a part of this family or not. I love Amber vary much
and I know a lot of this is how Amber is dealing with Debbie death. I must
bring back to many painful memories when she sees me. I will still be here
for years I just hope in time Amber comes back around.
This afternoon I went with Krystal to the female doctor. In December on
the Christmas break they will do a surgery to see what is going on. We
went to dinner after that and then went are on ways Kris has a lot of home
work.
Tonight Amber called me about work and said she gave me the wrong
contract for the job we are doing which was finished today. So tomorrow
we will have to do part of it again for free. This will cost me $1500 and I
am not mad at no one it is only money you can no build happiness on. I
told Amber it is good she works with me but this shows me the company is
not her #1 issue in her life. Some thing like this has happened before and
can not keep happening.
Tonight I worked on the stone columns in the living and hooked up all the
speakers to the surround system. I still am out of meds for sleep so I have
been staying up until about 3 am. Next Tuesday I have the Nero
appointment may be this will help me get my life back.
“First bad day in several days”
September 14, 2007
Jerrall-
Today I moved one load of breakables and only two men stayed at the
old house and did some painting and clean up. Krystal and Ray got all of
Kris’s things. Amber did a lot of different things. I think today is the first
time since the funeral were all worked together like a family.
I went to eat tonight with Gerald, Helen, Dillon, and Betty. We were
together for about an hour. Tonight I was up until 2 am trying to get the
new house unpacked. There is nothing worse than moving.
September 13, 2007
Jerrall-
Another day with all the men moving Debbie’s rehab equipment to the
garage. So far 9 dump truck loads. We had been married 32 years and
we even got rid of 2 dump truck loads of things we have not used in
years. I helped the men until noon and then they worked until dark by
there self. I had to get ready to go to the doctor with Krystal.
At 2 pm I met Kris at hospice to see how to get though this part of death.
Krystal told me in the car before we went in about a dream last night. I
though we were there for me and Krystal was ok. But when Kris told me
about me shooting my self and then Debbie shooting herself there is
some thing wrong. It is hard enough to be 19 and work and be in college.
No one needs this issue on top of every thing else. The doctor said she
could help Kris and every Thursday they will meet and see if the problem
can be fixed. We have no family here and just for Krystal to have a
women to talk to will be a lot of help. But I am too broken for any one at
hospice to help me. I have more of a post traumatic stress syndrome. So
I was referred to a Neuropsychiatries. I called to make an appointment but
had to leave a message. I am not some one to wait so I drove over to
there office and talked to them in person and have an appointment for the
25 th. I will need meds to get me back on a normal sleep pattern and then
stop taking the meds when things get back to normal. The meds will
break the pattern I am in. As far as Debbie goes every one knows by my
faith Debbie is free of that broken body and is not blind any more. I am
lucky to have the 4.3 years we had to say goodbye. I was so lucky to be
able to take off work and take care of Debbie 24/7, thanks Amber.
Tonight I went to Krystal’s house and we went shopping for both of us the
first time I have gone shopping for 8 plus weeks. I stayed all night with
Krystal and slept 5 hours of straight sleep.
September 12, 2007
Jerrall-
Today my life is following the next step on my journey of life. This
morning all of my men showed up at my home to start the move to the new
condo. It is only 1100 square feet and three stories tall building. I am on
the second floor and also there is a detached garage. I have not lived like
this since we were first married but it will be ok until I can get my life back.
I was going to move to a small home in not the best part of town and then
Amber stepped in and told me she wanted to get me in a place where I
could heal and be in a part of town that is only 8 months. Every thing is
fresh and new and there are mostly older people or new families moving
into Charlotte. No college kids so I fit in better. Thank you Amber for
making the last 4.5 years possible for me to be with Debbie and helping
me on this new journey.
With out me asking Amber came over to the new condo and unpacked
the boxes as the men brought them up. Amber set up the kitchen, almost
the whole bedroom, and the office with main base computer. Laid all the
pictures along the wall to get an idea where to put them. I do not know
how many trips Amber made with her car but she even brought over some
of Krystal’s clothes.
The day went to fast but we got every thing in the living space and
shelves built in the garage and the Christmas things put up. Then went
back to the old house and loaded up three trucks again and got thing’s
cleaned up but it was dark so we left the trucks there to start again
tomorrow. The men gave me a ride to the new home and will pick me up
tomorrow. My sleep was like before 4 am until 7 am in the new house.
September 7, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night for the first time since I have quite taking any extra meds or
even sleeping pills I fell asleep in my chair watching TV and working on my
laptop. It was around 2 am but at least I feel asleep on my own. It has
been about 7 days to be drug free and no withdrawal. Sleep has not
been great but again it has only been 7 days. I am trying all of this on my
own so on the 13 of September when I see the doctor I will know and have
record of the last 2 weeks effect of no meds. This is no way to say life has
been easy but I have to remind myself Debbie is in a better play without
that broken body. It takes an extra strong mind or someone else is
helping me but still every hour is a struggle.
Today I had meetings until noon and I still felt needed. This afternoon I
worked on packing up the last of the house next week will go so fast.
Tonight I went to eat a good meal salad, meat and vegetables. I still have
trouble eating alone all most to the point of taking one of the homeless
with a sign at the red lights. Thirty years ago I would pick them up give
them a job and bring them home for dinner. They would sleep in the truck
in the drive way. Debbie was so worried and asked me to stop doing this.
Now day they do not want to work and when they walk up to me I must
have a look on my face and they do not say a thing to me.
I saw Amber today and she took some of her extra time and posted
Debbie’s website for me. THANKS AMBER!!!!
I talked to Krystal on the phone and she just got off work and was feeling
better. But it was 10 pm and she had not eaten. I am so lucky she checks
on me every day. October 13th Kris and I will take Deb’s ashes to the
Outer Banks of North Carolina where she loved the most, I wish Amber
would go.
September 6, 2007
Jerrall-
I wanted to make a comment to all caregivers every where. Every thing in
life is what you make of it and every minute can not be relived ever so
make every minute count. In my case I could of gotten a phone call and
had to go to a funnel but instead I got 4 plus extra years to say good bye.
It is impossible to see some one you love so helpless but I treasure the
last four years more than the prior 36 years we had before the accident.
It is all how you want to accept reality. You can feel sorry or mad at
yourself but that will not help any one. I am not saying you can not cry but
try not to in front of your love one. I cried for 2 plus years but not in front
of Debbie she had enough to deal with. When I would smile around
Debbie would look into my eyes, but when I was sad she would look at the
floor as if she was a burden to me. I know how hard caring for a brain
injury person is for years but it was my choice how I looked at this issue
and it does make a difference in recovery. Your love one will never be the
same but if you accept them as they are I promise you will never have any
regrets. Yes you will be sad, lonely and always wonder why you. But the
good times will carry you thru the hard times and in the end you will be a
stronger person. This is just from my experience and no I do not have all
the answers but even in a coma hearing is the last thing to go. I do not
have any magic word but life is what you make it so try to make it the best
you can. Always remember your lone one is just here on loan and can be
taken away from you at any time.
‘MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT’
God I want to thank you for the time you gave me with Debbie and
working though me for the last 4 plus years. Thank you for the two girls
you gave us and watching over them when I could not. Please show me
how you can use me in the future I hope it could be helping other
caregivers with there pain but you know best. Right now I am so lost and
need your guidance more than ever before. Again thank you for bringing
me thus far.
Jerrall
September 5, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I went to bed with on no meds at 2 am and woke up at 3:30 am.
I tried to sleep more but I may have dropped off once are twice and got up
at 5 am. Hospice called me this morning and we will meet Sept 13 to see
what I need to do about sleep.
September 4, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night without meds I went to bed at 3 am and woke up every hour
until 6 am. Today was ok a little tired but function better. To night I went
to Debbie’s support group a lone and for the first time in 8 months. It was
great to see old friends again. I feel more comfortable around Tbi people
and caregivers.
Talked to Gerald tonight and he said he filed for custody of his grandson
but the mothers family was filing at the same time so I guest there will be a
court battle over the 2 year old boy. This is not what any one needs.
September 3, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night was my first night back home. It was so quite and still at
bedtime can not help think about putting Debbie to bed every night. It is
getting better and with time but at the end of the day when every one is
gone and you are so alone I can not help thinking of how life has
changed. I know Debbie is in no more pain and that helps some but there
is that emptiness that will not go away. With no meds last night I slept 4
hours and today was OK. I went out about 8 pm and had a good dinner
so hopefully I can get more sleep tonight. I called Gerald tonight and he
was doing as well as expected. Tomorrow Gerald will go down to the court
house to start adoption paper for his 2 year old grandson.
September 2, 2007
Jerrall-
Spent the night with Gerald and Helen again. Last night I got 4 hours
sleep with meds but this will be the last day for meds I do not plan to refill
them. We will see how it goes because what I have been doing is not
working. With out the med I may not sleep much but I may not be as tired
or hung over the next day.
Today is the funnel for Gerald’s son and Amber and Krystal will be there.
This issue has made an impact on the girls and I hope no one breaks
down today.
The service went great I was a pallbearer and told not to cry. The service
was for Bryan except it was seeing Debbie all over again. I tried to hold
my feelings back but I could not. I tried to look at the floor because went I
looked at Gerald we both cried. Today was so draining on every one and
Gerald went home Brian, his wife and myself had to go meet with the
murdered Tina’s family to get the house keys back. Every thing went as
well as expected and then we went back to Gerald’s. This is some thing
Gerald did not have to deal with today or every so Brian and me had two
hard days to keep this issue a way from Gerald time to say goodbye to his
own son Brain. When I got back to Gerald’s I felt so week or drained I laid
down for an hour.
I came home tonight for the first time in 4 days when I opened the door it
was like I had never been gone. There is no pictures on the walls and
packed boxes every where. I did not have any bad memories it was just
sad to be reminded how empty this house and my life is. Twelve more
days and I can start moving in to the new house. I still have 2 closets to
pack up and all of my tools to go thru. Some way I have to find a place for
the boat that has not been used in four years and one extra truck. The
dump trucks are on the job or at the yard we rent where Gerald worked.
Amber is still running the office and doing a great job. I help her often but
my time is limited and goes so fast. It is 11:30 pm so I am going to try to
go to sleep with no meds.
September 1, 2007
Jerrall-
Instead of going to the wake for Gerald’s son the parents of the daughter
in law started trouble with the police so me and Brain Gerald’s nephew
had to take Tina whose funnel was today parent’s wanted to have a key to
there house and Tina’s car. The only way this would happen is at the
police station with a detective present. So Gerald did not have to deal
with this tonight Brain and I had to meet and make the exchange.