Aug07

August 30, 2007
Jerrall-
  This morning came extra early about 3:30 am my cell phone was going
off. It was Betty, Helen’s sisters and you never get a call in the middle of
the night that is good. Betty said Helen and Gerald’s son and daughter
had been shout and were dead in there own home.
  No matter how bad it gets it there is always some who has it worse. I
went over to Gerald’s at 4am. And it has been a long day. I can tell
Gerald I know his pain but other than just give him support there is little I
can do. Today is not a day to be alone. The worse part, Gerald has his
2 year old grandson with him and Dillon has no ideal what is going on.
Gerald and Helen are Debbie’s best friends thru all of this. Both of you
know I love both of you and could have not made the last four years a
lone. Tonight all I know is to hug them send all my energy that I can, And
let them know there not a long.
HARD   DAY!!!!!!

August 29, 2007
Jerrall-
  Today went fast I was able to sleep in until almost noon. A special
person told me to focus on the two girls and other thing will fall into
place. I had 3 meetings today and then met Gerald, Helen and friends for
dinner. I would say today was a great day.

August 28, 2007
Jerrall-
  I wanted to keep Debbie’s web site so her grand kids will have the
chance to know there grandmother. When I get off tract send me an e-
mail and set me straight.
  From know on no more feeling sorry for ourselves. As of today I need
some goal to reach and that is to be here for Amber and Krystal. I talk to
each of them every day on the phone but that is not enough for me. I
want to be involved in their daily lives. If that means giving my time or
financial help or just being there so they know we are together all going
to make it thru this issue. Amber I love you more than you will ever know
and with out you the last four years could not be possible. Krystal I love
you also maybe in a different way. I will never be able to replace your
mom, but I want you to talk to me about any thing any time. Between the
two of you girls, helping you will in return help heal me. If you girls will let
me be in your life’s you will be saving me.

August 27, 2007
Jerrall-
This morning I called Hospice and two other Docs for an
appointment to get my life back on track. Last night was the same
wake up 3 times and extra meds. Could not function until10 am.
Still feeling shaky and want to avoid people.

August 26, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I sleep at Gerald’s house with extra meds and could
only sleep 2-3 hours at a time. I got up and took more meds and
when I got up at 6:30 am it was like I was more tired than when I
went to sleep. At least I am still a live. I know how lucky I am there
are other people in worst issues. I just need time to go faster. As
my mom reminded me in an e-mail this morning even if I was all a
lone God would still be with me. It took 4 years for my body clock to
get so out of sink. Doc says it will take time to fix the issue.
Tomorrow first thing I am going to get an appointment with a
special doc for post traumatic stress disorder. Debbie has been
gone about 6 weeks and it is getting worse not better. I thought I
could do this on my own but my primary doctor wants me to see a
Psychologist that works with bereavement experience.
It is 10:30pm and Krystal just called me to check on me. I said
everything was ok but she knew better. We both cried and she told
me she misses Debbie so much and just saying it takes time does
not help. So I will get an appointment for both of us. Krystal can
sleep ok and dreams are ok but does not understand how some
one could take her mom away. I try to be mom and dad for Kris but
it is not working. We talk every on the phone I am so glad she
called me because I though I was getting in her way or her privacy.
My problem is more physical because I kept Debbie breathing
with no sleep for so long. Primary doc says they do not know how it
was possible for me for four years. The answer has to be too much
love and God was guiding my hands. I can only eat small meals
and lost 35 lbs. I can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time with extra
meds. I can not remember what day it is or am or pm. The last
week I have not taken any phone calls, not slept or ate well.
Shacking on the inside so bad feel like I could curl up in a corner of
this empty house and never get up. So I take meds and stay in bed
not wanting to face the world. I am trying extra hard to hold on for
the girls but it is like my body is shutting down and this makes me
afraid. I can pull myself together for a meeting or short time and
then get by myself and then fall apart. I love and miss Debbie but
right now I am just trying to keep my own body going and our family
together. Deb always new how I felt about her and we both knew I
needed to go first.
I wanted to talk about good times today but instead I am just trying
to keep the family together.

August 25, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I was awake every couple of hours it was a feeling like
Debbie was laying behind me. This empty 4 bedroom house I often
awake feeling I am not alone.
What a difference a day makes. There are 2 important things that
need said before and after TBI but with the lack of time may be a
little each day.
I will never forget 4/4/03 when I got the call that Debbie was in an
accident and being air lifted to the nearest hospital. I beat the
chopper there by 10 minutes. I asked if that was the one Debbie
was in and they told me an unidentified 35 year female from a head
on crash by Lake Wylie. Debbie would love to be 10 years
younger. That day I only got to see Debbie 3 times they were trying
to save Debs life, and Deb was in a coma.
Debbie had a 6”cut on her left side of her head, a broken nose. All
her teeth fractured at Debbie’s gum line, crushed and punctured left
lung with a drain. Debbie also has a lacerated kidney and multiple
fractures to Deb’s pelvis. Debbie still has three chips off her tail
bone. After the first day Debbie had no tone because she was in a
coma. Some times Deb would squeeze you finger but never would
Debbie open her eyes. She had every monitor there was
connected to her. Even in her nose and a pressure bolt in her skull.
Before TBI there was; two kids grow up a few houses apart on the
same street and became best friends. They did every thing
together; pull the wagon of groceries to the house or push the
laundry to the cleaners. When wee first met not everyone had a
car. Debbie raised 6 brother and sisters while her mom worked
several jobs. Debbie’s dad left them at an early age. With that big
of a family there was always enough to play any sports. We all went
picnicking together are Halloween together. We played ball in the
back yard. We walked to dairy queen and had ice cream. Just a
normal childhood. I never want to forget Debbie teaching me to
ride a bicycle or roller skating. All of the jokes in school. I still have
a smiley face pillow I won for Debbie at the county fair when we
were 8 years old. That was the same time I gave Debbie my Id
bracelet.

August 24, 2007
Jerrall-
I’M I CRAZY OR WRONG
Today has been the worst day yet since 7/8/07. Everywhere I look
I see old young and all types of couples, laughing and just living life.
Everyone say it is the best thing that Debbie is at rest and I know
that it has to be true but no one says anything about me. That
empty feeling will not go away, I never know when to eat or sleep.
The dreams of old times are starting to happen every time I go to
sleep. No one I met understands they just say Debbie is better off.
I do not do well a lone eating, sleeping, or just living. I try to be
included in both girls life but I do not fit in there or they want there
own space. I can not keep up this front up forever. September 14 I
will move into the new condo maybe that will help. Over Labor Day
weekend I may go to the Smokey Mountains and go hiking in the
back wood where I feel more at home. If this is just going to take
time I am going to learn some thing to do with my time.
If you have a special someone never go to bed mad or take any
thing for granted. Some times you may have to choose over what
they want too do so stand back and keep all options open. I always
worked 24/7 and though material things were important, was I ever
wrong. I wonder how other people live a lone. No one to tell good
night or good morning. What would you like for dinner? How was
your day? This is a whole another way of life that was not what I
would ever expect.
The girls are ok they are on there own path but every one stay
away from me. May be in December and January I might need to
disappear for a while. Distance makes home coming and heart
warming a lot more effective. Amber only talks to me a few times a
week and if I so anything about Debbie or I Amber will hang up. I
am sure Am still loves me it is just I remind her of the family we
had. Krystal talks to me every day but is young it and their no place
in her life right now and again I am a reminder of what we have lost.
Tomorrow I want to try to look at this from a different viewpoint.
Talking about the sadness will not close these open wounds,
Krystal, Amber and I have. But if you do not know where you have
been how will you know where you are know.

August 23, 2007
Jerrall-
When I go for more than three days with out sleep and need to
take meds to sleep I spend the night with Gerald and Helen so as
not to over dose. They must think I am crazy when I call and say I
want to come over and sleep they say yes. I know they are afraid of
my meds but you could not ask for better friends. All of this healing
will occur in my mind and in its own time. Thanks for still being here
after all these years.

August 21, 2007
Jerrall-
Today was a different day I woke up every three hours for some
reason. I hate being a lone in that house at night and will not get to
move until September 14. Amber may go 4 days with out calling
me which must be good because she has something to do with her
time. We may see each other for a few minutes 2 times a week.
Though my posts may be the only way I can tell hear how much I
love her and she has no reason to feel guilty or bad about her
mom. With out Amber jumping in and running the family company I
would not have a job tonight or been able to spend 4 plus years with
Debbie. How could I ever repay that? Then all the therapy with
Debbie Amber was the one to teach Debbie to stand and pivot on
transfers. I think about at bed time how Amber helped me do a
shower and get Debbie to bed. I miss Amber as much as Debbie
every night. Another thing I miss is the trips we made with Amber
driving and me holding on to Debbie on the mat in the middle of the
van. Remember those trips Amber and that $700 ticket.
It is hard being with someone 40 years and losing them and it is
as hard to be with someone for over fours and losing them. Amber
I still need you as much if not more in my life even if Debbie is
gone. I still remember flying the kite and pulling your ear ring out.
We just have to start new memories. I know it is not fair that
Debbie is not here with us in body but the last thing she would want
is for you not to be happy. I know how much it hurts when you least
expect it and a smell or song or something just happens and
reminds you of Debbie. But Debbie is free now and we always
want to have all of the good memories. We do not want to for get
mom but go on with you life and remember all of the good times we
have had. I just want to say thank you Am for those 4 years.
Krystal I have noticed you do not come over and spend the night
since June and I feel like I am losing you also. What you did for
Deb her last night I understand. But we all have to support each
other now. Thank you for calling me every day but I need more.
There is 24 hours in a day and a few minute call leaves me to much
time a lone to think. Debbie would want you girl to be closer and all
of us be a family. I will try not to bring this up again unless both of
you do not try harder. It is hard enough to lose your best friend but
to lose your whole family at on time is not acceptable and I need to
know what else I need to do. I want for neither one of you girls to
ever be alone and follow your dream.
In the mean time if you do not have time for me in your life I love
both of you but also I will have to follow my dreams also. At any
time I am hear for you’ all but I know you need your own room to
grow.
Tonight is one of those empty nights I can not stand to have. As I
read an e-mail from my mom tonight it says Debbie will say to me
when we meet again thank you for letting her go. I know now and
understand but what am I to do now. One day at a time.
Kids are supposed to grow up and leave the nest. But it is hard
for me to accept my know we are just at the peak of or life.

August 19, 2007
Jerrall-
Even though Debbie is in a place where there is no more pain and I am
still here on earth there must be a way I can help others. Debbie can not
be the only brain injury person and there has to be other caregivers that
could use some support. Any one that needs anything at all please give
me an e-mail and we can see how we can improve quality of life. I can
only help if you trust me to thing people do not talk about. When Debbie
was first hurt I wish I had someone that would tell me what to ask the
doctors and how waivers from your county can provide services. I know
you get answers to the questions you ask and there are too many
questions to tell you. I can come to you and know more in 4 hours than
questions can provide. This would give me some reason that I went
though the last 4 years.
This morning I went to the new church and was treated like family. It was
a great experience and after the service a couple took me to lunch.
When I got home at 2:30 pm the house was empty but as I turned the
door knob and went in the kitchen there was no empty feeling. I took a
nap I felt like I had not slept in years.

August 18, 2007
Jerrall-
This morning I woke up about 5:30 am before the alarm. This morning I
am going to help build sets at a church I have never heard of. A lady
send me a e-mail and only lives 10 miles from my house and invited me to
church on Sunday. Then another e-mail her husband could use some
help today and I replied sure I can help. Two of are men and myself
worked 8 hours. It was a lot of fun and can not wait until tomorrow service.

But when I got home and opened the door to this empty house that
empty feeling was there. I took a shower and am waiting until 7:30 pm
when Krystal gets off work if she wants to meet for dinner. I still do not
like to eat alone. I have been trying to get to bed by midnight so I can be
on more of a new sleep pattern. It did me good to be with people today.

August 17, 2007
Jerrall-
Krystal came over and we worked together packing up her bedroom and
the den. We still need to do two closets. I told Krystal I do not want her
to junk up her town house, but take one of the new bedrooms and make
the new place at home. Krystal can still have two houses and I am always
here for her.
We went to eat at a new place by the new house and the food was great
but they had 9 TV’s on the walls and most people were watching the ball
game. We were there just to eat and it was great.

August 16, 2007
Jerrall-
Amber and I had only one goal today and that was to close on a new
condo to get me out of the house Debbie died in. We all know it will take
years to get over this trauma. I have two great daughters that Debbie
raised and they need there own space to grow in to women. I want both
girls wherever I am to think of it as home. No one comes to this house
any more maybe to many memories. The house is almost finished up
and stills needs last touches. The new home will only be 1100 square
feet so it will be like going back 30 years in time.

August 14, 2007
Jerrall-
Today was a good day. I woke up to a surprise, a feeling I cannot put
into words. I slept in Debbie’s bed last night and it was pushed up beside
the empty dresser. I laid a pillow on it and my back. I did not have
dreams but it was like I was sleeping next to Debbie all night. When I
woke up there was this present of Debbie in the room. I think I got 6
hours straight sleep. Amber did not have any work for me until 6pm so I
went and spent the day with Krystal. Krystal appears to be making it on
her own just find. Today I had a few new people that care on Debbie’s e-
mail which made my day. There are so many great people in this world.

August 9, 2007
Jerrall-
How do I put into words these feelings I feel after one month. What is the
reason to get up in the mornings? Who is there to have breakfast with
and talk about how was your night. During the day who do you call just to
see if there day is going well. At dinner who do you talk about your
dreams and goals? After dinner who do you go on a walk with or what
movie would you like to see? When you go to bed who do you hold close
and protect?
Every one is calling me to see how it is going and all I can say is ok.
They really do not want to get involved. How can I tell them I have loss
my best friend? How can I tell them how lonely my world is? Every one
says time will heal but what do I do until then.
Amber is in a lot of pain all so but she has a new life ahead of her and
just wants me to move out of her life and she thinks that will solve her
issues. Krystal is bonding with her new roommates and we talk on the
phone every day. Krystal is doing the best of all of us.
I have returned to work but it takes only takes a few hours a day and then
what am I to do with the rest of my time. I do not want to complain but I
wonder if this emptiness will ever go away. It makes me feel better to
know Debbie is not blind and trapped in that broken body any more even
if my world is all wrong.
I am sleeping more but only 3 hours at a time. I have started calling out
names in my sleep and waking my self up. I do not seam to have any
motivation. I just this is part of the healing that has to occur.

August 8, 2007
Jerrall-
Today makes one month since Debbie passed. I called Krystal today and
she was in tears and told me about today being one month. I keep
forgetting what day is what. I called Krystal back and after an hour she
was doing better. Also I forget that I am not alone on this journey.
Krystal and Amber are having a hard time with Debbie being gone also.
They say when Debbie was here she may not talk to us but they could
always talk to Debbie or at least hug her. I can not even imagine what it
is like to lose your mom. Amber has been better the last couple of day I
hope this will continue. Debbie would be so proud of her girls and I am
too.
I still love both of our girls and wish I could fit some where in there new
life. Amber took my place at work and made it possible for me to be with
Debbie the last four years. Amber has no reason to feel guilty in any way
and I wish at least one day a week we could do some thing together once
a week
To night is the second time to fix dinner for just myself in the last month.
This does not sound like much but it is so hard to eat by yourself.

August 7, 2007
Jerrall-
Again I want everyone to know how they kept me going every day and
night. Last night I could only sleep 4 hours. I went to my doctor’s
appointment 1 hour early and was told it was last week the 2nd of
August. I still have a big problem with sleep deprivation and have a hard
time dealing with reality. The doc said he was not taking any new patients
and he could not help me. No one wants to work with a crazy person that
is cognitive or asked to many questions. I know meds are not the
answer. I will have to work this out on my own.
I have been packing one room at a time. It is hard to believe how much
you do not need at a time like this. Both girls have there own lives and
today has been so long and I have no idea what to do with my time. I feel
I do not belong any where any more. I have no pleasure any more no
matter what I try to do. How am I supposed to break this bond that I made
32 years ago?

August 6, 2007
Jerrall-
I do not know if any one reads these posts since Debbie is not here in
body any more but I do not think I have every said I could not travel this
journey with out all of your support. I still need you support more than
ever before.
Today has been a very long day. I have seen Amber and she was very
professional all day. I have talked to Krystal a couple of times today.
Both girls appear to be happy in there own life. It has to be from what
their mom taught them I was always at work. Now days I do not fit in any
where. A month ago I had only one job and that was to keep Debbie’s
airway clear. I must not have done a good job Debbie is not with us now.
Debbie is in a better place and the girls are going on with there lives and I
set alone wondering what I can do next. When you are not needed any
more what is the next step. Tonight I miss Debbie so much all I can think
of is where did I go wrong. Debbie would be so proud of the girls. This
empty feeling has to go away some day I just want to remember without
this pain.

August 5, 2007
Jerrall-
This morning I left Gerald’s and came home to find that I have a huge job
getting the house packed up.

August 4, 2007
Jerrall-
Today was a sad day trying to find some thing to do with my time. I took
the whole day looking existing houses. I did note find anything that fit my
needs. I hate days like this I do not seam to fit in anywhere. You do not
start over at fifty and the new condos down town are mainly for people
around 30 years old. At the lake there are not any choices at this time. I
continue to pack up Debbie and my things as if I know where what lays
ahead. The best think seams to be build a new house on the 10 acres
Debbie picked out. That can not happen until January next year. At this
time I will take one day at a time and think only of getting the girls ready
for there own lives. Tonight I went to Gerald and Helen’s and had dinner
and even spent the night. For some reason I slept 8 hours straight.
Does mean I need to move or what.

August 2, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I could not go to sleep until 4 am and was up at 6:30 am a
normal night. Instead of going to work I went over to Krystal’s town house
and spent the day. When Krystal went to work I took a nap in Kris’s bed.
Tonight we went to dinner before I left to come home. Today I hung a
mirror at the head of Kris’s bed and got her new desk set up.
Krystal told me she cried all day yesterday one of her room mates’ mom
has spent the last three nights. All Krystal could think of was she does
not have a mom to talk to or go shopping or to the movies with. Krystal
did not call me yesterday and say there was an issue and I am so glad to
get to spend today with Krystal. I know it is not like your mom but I try as
much as possible.
Amber is married now so I do not have to worry as much but Krystal is at
that age she could go either way. When Krystal and I are together we
talk about Debbie and Krystal seams to know what I need to hear. We
have some good talks which helps both of us. Krystal and Debbie slept in
the same bed room for 7 years because I snore too much. They were
best friends as well as mom to daughter.
Today Krystal and I went to home depot and while I was three I saw
something I needed to get for Debbie and then it hit me Debbie is not with
us no more. My natural reflex is rehab for Debbie. With sleep
deprivation I still have time with accepting Debbie is not with us in body
any more but still in spirit. I know I am not going crazy I just need to think
about one day at a time.

August 1, 2007
Jerrall-
Last night I had 4 hours sleep and when the men came this morning I had
gotten dressed for work but fell back a sleep and the men had to call me
on my cell phone to wake me up. Today was a good day at work but with
the sun even my eye lids are swollen and sun burned. It was 4 pm by the
time I got home and took a shower and went to sleep for 4 hours. I got
back up and did paper work until 12:30 am. I pray for a good nights rest
before I start another day. It is strange but I lit the grill at midnight to grill
some dinner. I can not seam to get back to a normal sleep pattern.
August 7 is my next doctor’s appointment and hope to get this sleep issue
under control.
When I got home tonight I checked the mail and had a letter from
Hospice. It was about the grieving process. Never had anyone die that
was this close to me I am not for sure how to feel, what is normal or
abnormal. The letter said it was important to talk about my feelings
except there is no one here ever to talk to. Amber will not talk about
Debbie and we all need to. All three of us have lost the most important
person in our life and all will grieve in are own way. I just hope we are still
a family when this process is finished.